Boobs Flying In
showed my whole moons this week and didn't get any compliments, weird
Surely
I thought when I booked my first semi-nude job it’d be for the cold open of an HBO show where one of the eight interconnected characters is having an affair with their subordinate
But Unsure If
My parents will be as proud if I tell them that my first semi-nude job was to sell a brand of plant-based milk that not even I’ve heard of
A friend of mine was recently in a Cohen brother (single) movie simply because 1) she’s talented and beautiful but 2) she had marked on her Casting Networks profile that she was open to nudity. I checked mine and made the devastating discovery that I hadn’t even clicked the semi-nude option, let alone full monty. How many opportunities had I unknowingly missed out on?? How many years will I have left of having pretty top-tier T and A and nothing to show for it?! What does a girl have to do to let her nips be the gateway to a speaking role? So I clicked both.
Two weeks ago, I got an audition for Whole Moon, a brand that does various non-milk milks, like soy, oat, pistachio. Talent must be comfortable with semi nudity and wearing modesty garments, the breakdown stated. Talent also, as I posted last week, had to be average-looking (no, I’m not letting this go)
It paid juuuuust enough not to turn down, so I submitted, got a callback, and unintentionally booked the fucking thing. One reimbursed two-hour Tesla Uber that shockingly didn’t make me throw up to Westchester later, I was getting fitted for first, a classic Carpool Mommy outfit consisting of a quarter-zip and straight leg jeans, and second, pasties. The set was someone’s gorgeous Scarsdale six-bedroom four-bath house, in which the owner swished around like a Patagonia-clad shark from room to room to make sure no one was eating in the wrong place or sitting on the wrong toilet. Once I was called to my particular area of the shoot, the airy white kitchen which overlooked the wooded backyard, it took about an hour to find just the right positioning of the blender and could’ve-been-bigger pineapple on the marble counter to hide my girls.
I can only describe the sensation I felt as I was prompted to once again sip Tepid Milk Substance and say my lines twenty times in a row with my tits and lower cheeks out to the crew/whichever middle-aged male member of the client team who didn’t quite understand what “closed set” meant, my view being mainly my scene partner’s bare ass and the surprise bout of snow gently falling against the trees, sweat rhythmically beading down my naked torso while the british AD said for the fiftieth time “We’re gonna go again yea, NICE AND QUIET GUYS”….as complete nirvana. For some reason, I was still having the time of my damn life.
I could’ve gone with a little less of the director speaking about my nipples as if they were an art department prop, but she's a woman so I allowed it. Everyone in the crew was super respectful and also gave the vibe of I’m Taking Whatever Job I Can Get Here, plus the head of wardrobe kept forcing me to look her in the eyes to confirm I felt comfortable every time she disrobed me, so all in all it was a solid working environment. However, standing naked in a kitchen with twenty clothed people and holding a full bottle of milk for hours on end means that today I haven’t really gotten out of bed, except to eat toast and teach Nick more pranks, such as the salmon (sorry it can only be explained in person so find someone you trust who knows The Salmon Prank)
things that made me cry this week:
i did almost cry on set in the afternoon just because I was overstimulated and had had my gorgonzongas out for too long, but I held it together and told myself I could let it out in the uber home. And boy did I! I chose Folklore as my soundtrack to staring out the window and every single song made me cry, especially when we got to Manhattan and the sky was suddenly that perfect blue-with-cotton-candy-pink-cloudtufts. Say what you will about that evil barbie billionaire who refuses to let her bangs grow out, Folklore is fucking it when you’re thirty and in love but still pretty sad
every scene with Jin and Sun in Lost, especially the part in the season four finale that I WON’T TALK ABOUT
Nick and I watched a nature show last night and the wolves almost got a baby bison until the whole bison herd protected it, but then the wolves had to come home to their babies empty-handed. Like good god can somebody WIN